This week I had intended to share my new goals in different areas of my life, habits I planned to change, the system I planned to use and what I was getting started on first.
I thought after last week’s post, the correct response would be to immediately speed up, make something good out of the bad, and get moving forwards with my life.
And then something happened…
A couple of days after I sent that email, I felt my body ache all over, I felt tired… REALLY tired. I started to notice how differently I felt. My shoulders had dropped. I wasn’t wound up as tightly or as tense any more. I could feel my body, how it really felt. After 13+ months of pain and stress, my body had finally relaxed, and it was feeling the aftereffects.
A similar thing happened with my mind. I no longer woke up thinking of how to get her back, my mind previously occupied with a million different scenarios of things I could write, say or do that might make the difference. My ability to think clearly and about what I wanted, was returning.
At one point, I sat on my sofa with my dog and realised I can just be. That’s all I needed right now, to just be, to slow down and just be in the moment. I didn’t have to do anything.
It was so tempting for me to rush forwards, to plough ahead with some of my new plans. But I knew that right now what I needed, was to slow down, if only for a few days or a week, and that’s okay… the plan can come next week.
For 13+ months I’ve been a shadow of myself, I’ve been a hermit, I’ve not made jokes, I’ve not fully laughed, I’ve not communicated particularly well, I’ve not reached out to many friends, I’ve not pushed forwards with my business… I haven’t been myself, I haven’t recognised myself, and in many ways, I was just in survival mode.
But now, I feel myself coming back, and it’s almost like I’m downloading the real me back into my body, and I need a little time to adjust. It has felt like a fog is lifting, there are still challenges, but I know I will be okay.
I can start to feel a little fire burning inside of myself again, and that is something I haven’t felt for a very long time.
Sharing last week’s email was a big moment for me, a big step out of the abyss, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to read it, especially those who responded with messages of kindness and support.
I never intended this blog to chronicle my recovery from the breakdown of my marriage, but life has many unexpected turns and here we are, I know there are better times ahead. Sometimes we need something to leave our life, to make space for something new.
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